Last night I played the “How long can you stay awake while knowing the clock is ticking on it being time for you to wake up” game. The title of the game is long and lame because I came up with it at probably around 4 am.
I have been battling insomnia since I was 19. I know what triggered it on one hand but not on another. That is a post for another day. Maybe. Possibly.
Last night I should have been able to sleep. (By the way, I never sleep any decent amount of hours. When I say I should have been able to sleep I mean I should have been able to catch some zzzs in between tossing and turning). Anyway I had a night cap and everything. But I couldn’t. There were no zzzzs. Only tossing and turning. I was wide awake and I tried everything. Eventually I got out of bed because one miserable person is enough for a bed and why toss and turn and wake luckily slumbering man up?
So I sat in the corner and wondered what time the sun would come up. And why is it that songs you hate manage to get stuck in your head–especially when you only know so many words because you hate it (the lines to that damn song are still in my head). And now what time is it? I wonder if I can fall asleep at all? Maybe I should just be at work by 5. But then I will be alone and being alone at work really early or late kind of freaks me out.
And so on and so on.
I finally got sleepy around an hour before I was supposed to get up.
Needless to say I worked from home today.
I should be in bed soon. I’m wide awake with those stupid lines to that stupid song stuck in my head.
No nightcap tonight though. I don’t nightcap every night unless I am on vacation.
I really don’t want to play the long lame titled game again.
When I play that game too many times in a row it turns into the “how many things can make me cry because I’m so fucking tired” game.
I hate that game the most.
Maybe I am hoping that having written all of this down will somehow stop my mind from running in overdrive. I am also listening on loop to one of my favorite slow songs.
Hope springs eternal.
Unless I can’t sleep again tonight.