My boss changed because my old boss is at a level where she really should be focusing on other things. Life happens. But the new boss doesn’t have her shit together and she is accusatory and a good worker has quit under her watch already. And then there’s me.
2 times in less than 3 weeks she has accused me of something, once in front of other people (basically where she dropped the ball and claimed it was my fault) and when I had my documented proof otherwise instead of owning up to it and saying “I’m sorry” she just drops it.
And those are just the major things. But on a day to day basis she makes my day harder than it needs to be.
I’ve been here before. I’ve had a boss like her. Where she can’t admit she’s human and *gasp* could be wrong. Where she fucks up but expects me to fix it yesterday. Where she has no sense of her own duties beyond what she wants to do. There no benefit of the doubt, no matter how earned, ever applied. She makes snap judgements based on her own emotions and doesn’t look at any facts.
I’ve left the country in order to leave a job because of a boss like her.
So just like that the unbearable which was bearable under a good boss becomes a “How fast can I get the fuck out of here” place.
And it makes me angry.
Which is the point to my post.
Guess what? Anger is an emotion people feel. They are allowed to have it and express it (in non harmful ways) and guess what–it should be encouraged. Because without the healthy expesssion of anger all you have left are those inner thoughts of frustration with no one to hear you. So you internalize it and it can make you physically sick. Trust me. I know. I left the country for a new job because of it.
It is when you are angry that you learn at least in part, where your true support system lies. I’m not talking about people who will enable you; I’m talking about people who will allow you to actually be in your feelings and listen. Not forever but for the moment.
I’ve been in therapy lately. It hurts. I am constantly in a state of awareness. And I am learning my feelings are okay. They are valid. And they were valid when I was young even though I hid them so as to not rock any boat in already turbulent waters. And they are valid now. And it hurts to express them to someone I love and support only to have said person shut me out because of their own narcissistic issues. When I grew up validating that person’s pain even as a child–some pain I shouldn’t have known about in the hopes of trying to pit me against the other parent–even though they were the adult.
I’m learning. I am constantly in a state of awareness.
And having to let go of wanting emotional support from someone I have given emotional support to all of my life…even at the detriment of my own feelings…
I’m learning. I’m constantly in a state of awareness.
And it hurts.
And I am angry.
And I’m thankful for those that allow me to be angry. And I’m in tears to recognize that one of the people I need it most from…grew up giving it to…can’t help me because they are too in their own world.
And I wonder when that will stop being painful.